It started with 4 Narcans and in the end it was beyond anything I thought humanly possible...

     In the days of what u think is a ticket of heroin it's very common to stumble upon carfentynal...  Which nowadays there's no longer a 6 narcan limit. They go for as long as they think you're not going to come back. Ten, fifteen, twenty and on and on... Unknown to most as you see that powder in the tin and your mouth begins to water as you add the water from your syringe and it mixes up just as clean as shit without any cut.  FUCKING BINGO BABY!
     Fast forward as you poke your usual spot, for me all has been used up and it's my neck for the fastest most direct shot possible to hit the brain. You draw back and that excitement as you see that blood rush into the needle seems more exciting than christmas as a kid EVER did!  You settle for a split second waiting to see if the dope has any merit to it.  Usually it's that nice euphoric glow if you've hit pay dirt or that pissy feeling that ugh it's barely maintenance dope...
     This time there was just a warm fuzz for a split second and then the uncomfortable feeling of why is the huge bag of ice on my balls!  Thankfully I was in a fleebag motel with a working ice machine. Then a familiar face staring at you saying we just had to narcan you! You were fucking dead!  A split second passes as that taste of narcan is dripping down your sinus passages tasting like the most ungodly shit you've ever tasted and it hits you that the high you had felt is gone to be replaced with that 'ol wonderful feeling of pure dope sickness front and center worse than you've ever felt. The thought of just having died takes a back seat to the feeling of being dope sick and no longer feeling that nice warm cozy comfort that only a dope fiend can relate to...
     To the "normies" the thought is why would you even consider taking the chance?  Why can't you just stop?  Oh well FUCK YOU VERY MUCH if I could make that option like not adding salt to my McDonalds fries I'd clearly take a step back and realize that I'm taking a chance at suicide every time I make that choice to shoot up. 
     For now I just tried to get into a maintenance program and was told I needed to go to detox before they could start me.   So there's more time out of my life I'm risking as I try to stay "normal" and try to get into a treatment center.  So tick tock against the system as it's only my life and that of many other fellow addicts hanging in the balance.  Meanwhile I can walk into a pharmacy and get the main ingredient to make meth and just have my name taken down but I can't get a maintenance drug through the same means. Seems fucked up if you put that in perspective...  Am I wrong to think that?  Well anyway it's tick tock against father time for this addict.  Anyone else feel the same???

Just for Today 7/22

July 22

Spiritual death

“For us, to use is to die, often in more ways than one.”

Basic Text, p. 82

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As newcomers, many of us came to our first meeting with only a small spark of life remaining.  That spark, our spirit, wants to survive.  Narcotics Anonymous nurtures that spirit.  The love of the fellowship quickly fans that spark into a flame.  With the Twelve Steps and the love of other recovering addicts, we begin to blossom into that whole, vital human being our Higher Power intended us to be.  We begin to enjoy life, finding purpose in our existence.  Each day we choose to stay clean, our spirit is revitalized and our relationship with our God grows.  Our spirit becomes stronger each day we choose life by staying clean.

Despite the fact that our new life in recovery is rewarding, the urge to use can sometimes be overwhelming.  When everything in our lives seems to go wrong, a return to using can seem like the only way out.  But we know what the consequence will be if we use—the loss of our carefully nurtured spirituality.  We have traveled too far along the spiritual path to dishonor our spirit by using.  Snuffing the spiritual flame we have worked so hard to restore in our recovery is too dear a price to pay for getting high.

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Just for today:  I am grateful that my spirit is strong and vital.  Today, I will honor that spirit by staying clean.

My relapse, the overdose and the spiritual awakening... (trying to get back on the beam) PART 1

     I lay here in this hospital bed thinking what will become of my life now?  It's now roughly 13 months since I first stepped into a rehab for my crack cocaine use and I'm looking at my third time in that span.  In 2013 just about 5 years to the day prior I stepped into my first detox and rehab to battle my alcohol and heroin/opiate use.  Certainly a story for another time, but that was the orientation and welcome process for the start of my recovery.  Anyway...
     My struggle over the last few years has been my powerlessness over crack cocaine and any drugs that can produce the euphoric feeling similar to that of crack.  I not only love that feeling of the drug but also the added baggage you get when hitting psychosis that comes along with being up for days using.  This drug has its claws firmly sunk into my very being and I had no desire to want to quit when I made my second attempt.
     When I reached treatment on February 28th, 2019 it was the second time in nine months.  To be honest and blunt I didn't know how to eat, drink, piss, fuck, sleep, talk, live and breath without the use of crack cocaine.  I had lost everything I had at that point in my life, AGAIN... my job, my vehicle, my living space, my sanity and almost my life, as well as nearly killing my girlfriend that I felt was my everything, my ride or die.  Yet I still wasn't ready to surrender and stop using.  I still had the desire to keep using all that I could consume!  The definition of insanity living in full bloom through me.
     Now to backtrack a little bit let me talk about what led up to my first attempt at trying to arrest my drug use.
    I first started on this road called "Recovery" back in May/June 2013 after a detox and rehab for alcohol and opiate use or actually, "abuse".  I know today that I am an addict and cannot successfully use ANY mood or mind altering drugs.  It took me a long time to realize that and I've since stopped trying to act like I'm not an addict.  When I use today i know I only want more and don't stop using until what i have is completely gone.
     In July of 2017 I relapsed while an overnight store clerk for a local truck stop off interstate 89 in Northern Vermont.  I'm not quite sure where exactly things went wrong, they say your relapse starts before you pick up.  I had everything going for me by outward appearances.  Internally one of my major character defects, selfishness crept back in disguising itself with loneliness for, friendliness towards and other forms to capture my "love" or more appropriately obsession, for and need for approval from women. This would prove one of my most fatal flaws that still plagues me to this day 2 years after my relapse.  If you've sat in enough NA (Narcotics Anonymous) meetings you'll know that alcohol is a drug (DUH!) from the reading "How It Works" read at the beginning of just about every NA meeting.  Well my sick and twisted little comparison of "pussy is a drug" may sound disturbing but is 110% completely accurate!  Like drugs, if one was good two was better carried over to how I needed my "romantic" life to be.  Sadly enough and even with remorse I can honestly say that I've never been faithful to any woman in my life, EVER!  That coming from a man who's been through 2 marriages and has 2 daughter's.  You'd think somewhere along the line in my 43 years there'd be at least one that I respected enough not to subject to my selfish ways.  Nope!, each one has just been another hostage.  Given this realization and knowledge of self I can still try to argue why the suggestion of no dating, no women for the first year of recovery doesn't apply to me.
     As Crack Cocaine became even more rooted into my daily routine, my physical functions of being human became even more dependent upon having the drug in both personal and social settings.  I was unable to function without it.  I ceased wanting to eat and lost 70 pounds in about six months. I ceased wanting to work and do things most people do.  I couldn't shit, shower or shave without being high.
     By the spring of 2018 the strain my use put on relationships, work and every other facet of my life boiled over to my physical well being and how my body responded in certain situations. Well I was so physically beat up from using that I ruptured my right bicep just "fucking" around wrestling with a buddy at work.  Of course my addict thinking was like yeah let's blame it on work and get workman's comp.  I couldn't even pull that off correctly at this point.  So I came to the realization that I was at a bottom and rehab became the logical choice.  I had hit the point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired!
     The surgery takes place and then it's a waiting game to get cleared medically to be able to go to treatment.  Since the closure of MapleLeaf I had no idea which of the 2 treatment facilities would be best for me.  I chose to go to Valley Vista in Bradford, Vermont because a close friend in my NA homegroup had recommended it.  I was completely surrendered and ready to get back to a life IN RECOVERY!

     ... To be continued

Absolutely Pass IT ON... Just For Today - January 22nd

January 22

The school of recovery

“This is a program for learning.” Basic Text, p. 16 ––––=–––– Learning in recovery is hard work.  The things we most need to know are often the hardest to learn.  We study recovery to prepare ourselves for the experiences life will give us.  As we listen to others share in meetings, we take mental notes we can refer to later.  To be prepared, we study our notes and literature between “lessons.”  Just as students have the opportunity to apply their knowledge during tests, so do we have the opportunity to apply our recovery during times of crisis. As always, we have a choice in how we will approach life’s challenges.  We can dread and avoid them as threats to our serenity, or we can gratefully accept them as opportunities for growth.  By confirming the principles we’ve learned in recovery, life’s challenges give us increased strength.  Without such challenges, however, we could forget what we’ve learned and begin to stagnate.  These are the opportunities that prod us to new spiritual awakenings. We will find that there is often a period of rest after each crisis, giving us time to get accustomed to our new skills. Once we’ve reflected on our experience, we are called on to share our knowledge with someone who is studying what we’ve just learned.  In the school of recovery, all of us are teachers as well as students. ––––=–––– Just for today:  I will be a student of recovery.  I will welcome challenges, confident in what I’ve learned and eager to share it with others.

Ever move a couch??? Peter Griffin and Brian do it Family Guy/Star Wars style...

One of my fave Family Guy scenes. If you've ever moved a couch you'll know why...

AA Daily Reflections - January 4th

January 4th

BEGIN WHERE YOU ARE

We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs.

—    ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 19

It's usually pretty easy for me to be pleasant to the people in an A.A. setting. While I'm working to stay sober, I'm celebrating with my fellow A.A.s our common release from the hell of drinking. It's often not so hard to spread glad tidings to my old and new friends in the program.

At home or at work, though, it can be a different story. It is in situations arising in both of those areas that the little day-to-day frustrations are most evident, and where it can be tough to smile or reach out with a kind word or an attentive ear. It's outside of the A.A. rooms that I face the real test of the effectiveness of my walk through A.A.'s Twelve Steps.

Just For Today - January 3rd

January 3rd

Our greatest need

“We eventually redefine our beliefs and understanding to the point where we see that our greatest need is for knowledge of God’s will for us and the strength to carry that out.” Basic Text, p. 48 ––––=–––– When we first arrived in NA, we had all kinds of ideas of what we needed.  Some of us set our sights on amassing personal possessions.  We thought recovery equaled outward success.  But recovery does not equal success.  Today, we believe that our greatest need is for spiritual guidance and strength. The greatest damage done to us by our addiction was the damage done to our spirituality.  Our primary motivation was dictated by our disease: to get, to use, and to find ways and means to get more.  Enslaved by our overwhelming need for drugs, our lives lacked purpose and connection.  We were spiritually bankrupt. Sooner or later, we realize that our greatest need in recovery is “for knowledge of God’s will for us and the strength to carry that out.”  There, we find the direction and sense of purpose our addiction had hidden from us.  In our God’s will we find freedom from self-will.  No longer driven only by our own needs, we are free to live with others on an equal footing. There’s nothing wrong with outward success.  But without the spiritual connection offered by the NA program, our greatest need in recovery goes unmet, regardless of how “successful” we may be. ––––=–––– Just for today:  I will seek the fulfillment of my greatest need: a vital, guiding connection with the God of my understanding.